And er um turning around and not being funny.

Bloody people who don't speak proper English like what I does. That drives me mad.
I know someone, who shall remain nameless, who insists on rabbiting on at ten to the dozen. I mean there is just no gap. No pause. I swear they must breath through their arsehole. To make sure that you can't get a word in edgeways they join sentences together with "And er um" before spouting off another load of old shite.
Before launching into a major slag off session the sentence usually starts with "I'm not being funny but...". Well no they aren't being at all funny, more often than not they are being a right shit stirring sod.
"He/she/they turned around and said to me" is another one that winds me up. Why did he/she/they have to turn around to say something to you? Were they on a roundabout? Were they walking towards you backwards before they started talking? Are they a whirrling dervish or something? Arrrggh!!

Another thing. Why do some people have to say arks instead of ask? And yet they don't have a problem with words like mask, task, flask? If you know why or if you know of any other quirks of speech that annoy the hell out of you, share them with me by leaving a comment. Rant over. Spleen vented. Thanks for listening. TTFN.

And er um turning around and not being funny.

Bloody people who don't speak proper English like what I does. That drives me mad.
There is somebody in my office, who shall remain nameless,who insists on rabbiting on at ten to the dozen. I mean there is just no gap. No pause. I swear they must breath through their arsehole. To make sure that you can't get a word in edgeways they join sentences with "And er um" before spouting off another load of old shite.
Before launching into a major slag off session the sentence usually starts with "I'm not being funny but...". Well no they sent being at all funny, more often than not they are being a ship stirring sod.
"He/she/they turned around and said to me" is another one that winds me up. Why did he/she/they have to turn around to say something to you? Where they on a round about? Were they walking towards you backwards before they started talking? Are they a whirrling dervish or something? Arrrggh!!

Another thing. Why do some people have arks instead of ask? And yet don't have a problem with words like mask, task, flask? If you know why or I'd you know of any other quirks of speech that annoy the he'll out of you, share them with me by leaving a comment. Rant over. Spleen vented. Thanks for listening. TTFN.

Oooo!!! my bleedin' (Quite literally) farmers

What is it about getting old that makes me mad?
First of all it’s not being able to stand up, sit down, climb up, climb down, lift or push anything without letting out an audible groan. Everything aches these days.
I'm scared to go to the Dr's because every time I go they find something else wrong, that can only be alleviated by taking a handful of pills everyday. Blood pressure and cholesterol tablets make me retain water and make my legs swell up so that I am developing 'Cankles', so the quack prescribed diuretic tablets which make me keep going for a wee every 5mins and dehydrate me.

Fancy a Fisting?

The side affects of the dehydration means that my skin gets dry and flaky if I don't moisturise, which I don't because I am a geezer Grrr!!!, And, I do apologise in advance, if I don't eat enough soluble fibre and drink enough water I get the worst constipation. Honestly sometimes it's like shitting a brick. There are teeth marks in the bog roll and in my toilet door. Trouble is it comes and goes. That's because I don't eat / drink properly until the old 'Farmer Giles' start playing up and once they clear up, I eventually start eating crap again and that starts the cycle all over again. At the moment I feel like I've been fingered by Freddy Kruger or fisted by that bloke out of Rollerball. Ouch!!!

Bloody Soap Dodgers

Poo! what a pong!

What is it that certain members of the community have against personal hygiene. Can someone please explain to me why some cultures refuse to wear anti-perspirant or deodorant and instead wear their stink with pride. Now I know that experiments have been carried out with sweat and pheromones etc and some scents have been found to have an erotic effect on the opposite sex. I understand that. But believe me there is nothing erotic about an armpit that smells like a marathon runners arse crack. Honestly I have been on a bus, train or tube in the summer sometimes and the bloody place smells like a damned cattle truck. Please, you dirty soap dodgers take note. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. When you get up in the morning wash the stank from under your armpits with hot soapy water, dry with a clean towel and apply deodorant, anti-perspirant, disinfectant, bleach, drain cleaner, anything or if that is too difficult for you then please STOP USING PUBLIC TRANSPORT. We don't want to you smelly, anti-social bodies anywhere near us. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. That is what makes me mad. Aaarrrggghhh!!

Bloody litter bugs

Put your sh*t in the bin!

What is it with people these days? There are plenty of litter bins supplied by local councils located along our streets. Most bus stops have a bin standing nearby. So why do some ignorant people still think that it is ok to just drop their rubbish where they stand. Why is it so much trouble for them to reach over or walk a couple of steps and drop their crap in the bin? Is that too much to ask for? Do they like seeing our streets covered in fag wrappers or crisp packets, cans, cartons, newspapers, you name it,   you can see it blowing in the wind around your ankles. It is not just on the streets and at bus stops. But on buses as well. I have seen a whole cornucopia of filth left on buses. Boxes of chicken bones, half eaten McDonalds, drinks cans, newspapers etc just dumped on the floor or seats. What is wrong with these people? Have they no pride in themselves or respect for others that are going to get on the bus after them? As I've said before every bus stop has at least one bin by it. There is no excuse. It's not just small things chucked out on our streets either I've seen fridges, freezers, mattresses, wardrobes and other items of furniture and household goods just left in the street. JUST BLOODY STOP IT WILL YOU!!! Take your sh*t to the council dump for God sake or phone the council up to have them come and collect it. We don't want to have to pay via our taxes to get your sh*t cleared up. That's another thing taxes!!! Don't get me started on taxes, that can wait for another post. If everyone took responsibility for disposing of their own rubbish in a civilised way what a beautiful city we could be living in. As it is, it LOOKS LIKE STEPTOES BLOODY YARD!!.  That is what makes me mad. Arrrggghhhh!!

Bloody Cyclists

What is it with cyclists these days? Are they a law unto themselves?


Now before I get on my high horse, I know that this does not apply to ALL cyclists, but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, if it's you.

Why don't you wear reflective clothing at night or have working lights on your bike? Do you want to get killed? Why don't you STOP at red traffic lights? Again do you want to get killed? Why do you insist on riding your bike on the pavement, you are not a kid, and it is illegal, Do you want to kill somebody else? I know that at some junctions there is indeed a space for Motor bikes and cycles, but do you really have to show off how well you can balance on two wheels without going forwards or falling off, in front of car drivers who are in a hurry to get somewhere? It's not big and it's not clever. Do you want to piss everybody else on the road off? Young adults why do you still ride a BMX bike, standing up, with you arse hanging out of your trousers? With the seat so low that you look like a circus monkey when you sit down, with your knees up around your ears. For Gods sake GROW UP!!

Go and nick someone!

I think you all should follow this link and see what the law says about cyling in the uk. Especially the bits that say what you SHOULD NOT DO!!! And on the subject of the law; Police and community officers, why don't you enforce some of these laws, instead of mincing around the local park with your mates? I mean, how many laws get broken in the park? You could bust someone for walking on the grass or feeding the deer or dropping litter I suppose, not very 'Dirty Harry' is it? Please get out there and reign in some of these maverick cyclists before they get so far up their own arses that they'll need a glass stomach put in so that they can see where they are going. That is what makes me mad. Arrrrgggghhhh!!!!!

Bloody Bus Drivers

I know you saw me running!

What is it with bus drivers these days? Is their job so boring that they have to have a little fun, baiting punters who are running for the bus? I am sure that there are some very nice, warm and compassionate bus drivers out there, who would fall over themselves trying to help members of the public. To those beautiful people I say "May your God bless and keep you". What I'm ranting about are the few who sit at the bus stop, making time because they are running a little early. You know what I mean. You see the bus waiting there; You start running; You think to yourself 'Oh what a nice driver, waiting there for me like that', but as you get about three bus lengths from the door, the bugger starts indicating and pulls out into the traffic. You know that he has seen you running in his wing mirror for Gods sake, they are as big as wardrobe doors, you would have to be blind not to see you running wouldn't you think? Or at least be that visually impaired that you shouldn't be in charge of a bus full of people. The driver knows, that you know, that they have seen you running and that you have seen that little smirk, play across their lips as they pull away and even if they are held up in traffic as you finally catch up, face purple, lungs threatening to burst out of your chest, eyes bulging, veins in your temples distended and throbbing, screaming like a dishevelled lunatic and banging on the door as people pass by and gawp in disbelief. They still won't even look at you or acknowledge that you are there. At least until they drive off, when they just barely glance aside and smirk again. That is what makes me mad. Arrrrgggghhhh!!!!!